Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. Carry on!! I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. I only need to validate me. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. I work alone and am not in a relationship. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. And the kids seem fine too. Remorse? grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English I did not respond. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. So insensitive I just cant believe it. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. None of these are likely. You will always remember. Mayo Clinic Graduate School of Biomedical Sciences, Mayo Clinic School of Continuous Professional Development, Mayo Clinic School of Graduate Medical Education, Have questions about sex? Theres NOTHING wrong (and in fact everything RIGHT) with pulling away from someone who is repeatedly hurting you without letup (especially after theyve been made aware of it!). I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. Thats what happened. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. Go to re-hab, start seeing a light at tbe end of the tunnel. Finally opening up about a topic that has hurt you on an ongoing basis can be emotionally draining. He didnt care about you before, so why would he care now? AAAArrrrggggg!! I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Or immature? Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). It's impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who hasn't. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that you're not over an issue. They also gave me pause for thought. Grudges are a form of punishment. My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Have you gone for therapy with someone who is trained to deal with people who grew up in narcissist homes? Frontiers in Psychology. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. Please trust yourself. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. Can You Take a Hint? I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. Holding a grudge happens when. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. I said Im sorry!) Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! 5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Just clarifying my thoughts! The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Im struggling a lot with my self worth at the moment (even if rationally I know that it does not depend on him). My prayers for you continue. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. I am only 3 weeks into NC with my 2 year relationship. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. Hes done this before. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. I was totally mesmerized. ;)). I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. He has shown you who he is, now act on it! That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. Good luck. He told me this as tactfully and honestly as he could and Im still thinking, Oh, he doesnt really mean it. Glad you wrote me, so I can get real again. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. I have a mother like that too! Thought Id share it. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. What a douche! 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. Thank you. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. The first two differences is the use of satire. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. I didnt break her yet?. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Surely ther. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. You hit the nail on the head. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. Don't get me wrong, Penn gets upset. Its like my old AC all over again. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. I am very up front with him too. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. I am and will always be a person of extremes. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. Thanks. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. This is projection of their own feelings on you. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. Let the Dam Break! Holding a Grudge vs. Allowing Forgiveness I have my dignity-you are correct. I am glad that you seem to understand whats going on, I hope you can use your knowledge much more cleverly than I did. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. Forgiveness is letting go. His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. PDF Letting Go of Grudges - Between Sessions I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. From our hearts. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. Thank you for your reply. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. And its SPOT ON. So you do. Its a set up! Great addition, and true! Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. My bad! Probably. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). No, I couldnt be lady in waiting and hoping to change my status from booty call to GF, so finally I decided to break unhealthy patternI miss them from time to time, but keep reminding myself what I actually gained from these experiences?! Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. Are you two still together or have you broken up? However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? Lisa- No, do not break NC. But I dont seem to find peace. Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). I appreciate your imput. I guess Natalie would say let it go. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) But I had let my sister listen to it. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Boundary or grudge, whats the difference? I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. Thank you Natalie. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge.
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